Service and the Family

Do everything for the sake of others. Live only to serve. —Satchidananda

My partner Joe grew up in a family of three brothers. His eldest brother, Alfred, was born with cerebral palsy, a condition that occurs at birth and remains for life.

Alfred’s mobility is extremely limited. He can crawl, slowly, and he can bear some weight on his feet if you support him. He’s got some impressive upper body strength, however, lifting himself into a near L-sit, for example, to slide himself more comfortably into his chair. 

Al is an absolute sweetheart. He’s got about 10 words in his vocabulary, his favorites being: “cookie,” “pizza,” and “waffles.” 

Joe’s parents never accepted outside care for Alfred, who was not supposed to live beyond adolescence, according to doctors (this year he turned 60!). But as they got older and it became clear that they wouldn’t be able to care for him much longer, Joe knew that overseeing care of Al was a duty, maybe a calling, that fell to him. 

When their parents passed, rather than place Al in a facility, Joe insisted on honoring his mom’s wishes, which were that Alfred remain with family as long as that was possible. So, Joe and I took over care of Alfred in 2014. Al has lived with us ever since.

There may come a day when Al’s care is simply too much to bear for our family and when we believe that placing him in a facility is the best option for all. But right now, Al and his many aides who help us around the clock are part of the flow of our family life. 

Nowadays, we have five regular aides coming in and out to give Al the attention he needs. Our aides — and I am one of them — feed him, change him, transfer him, and watch him like a loving parent caring for an infant. 

Without these aides, we would not be able to leave our home. Al is good by himself for 20 mins here or there, but any longer than that feels like negligence. 

So… Occasionally, things come up that interrupt the usual routine, like they did this week! One aide is out for 6 weeks for surgery and another aide broke her arm and hasn’t been able to work. The only one in a position to care for Al, or to train new aides, is sis-in-law, little ol’ Lee-Lee… me.

It’s no skin off my back. I actually feel most fulfilled when I am following the natural course of service as a mom, a caretaker, and a partner. Still, there’s no denying that being tugged away from my yoga community and the business I have built weighs on my heart. 

My yoga recording studio is intentionally not in my home — we have way too much going on for that to work. Still, I have dreams of integrating all the parts of my life by turning our attic into a studio someday. 

Someday. 

In the end, I do know that service that puts the self aside is the ultimate aim of yoga anyway. And I am glad to be in a position to give my family members the care they require.  

I know I am not alone in being a caretaker, and I admire the many of you who have or will devote yourselves to loved ones. I know that you do this work not to earn accolades (there are way more effective ways to earn those) but from a genuine desire to be a supportive presence for the ones who need you. 

One who is not envious but who is a kind friend to all living entities, who does not think himself a proprietor, who is free from false ego and equal both in happiness and distress, who is always satisfied and engaged in devotional service with determination and whose mind and intelligence are in agreement with Me-he is very dear to Me —Bhagavad Gita

As an aside, I’ll share that I intentionally stopped having my yoga trainees do seva (selfless service) projects when I realized that most of the people I was attracting were the type of people who naturally devoted themselves to others, sometimes to the detriment of their own health. A “project,” as far as I can see, is a too-demonstrative way to prove that you understand what seva is, and I don’t think it’s akin enough to the life of devoted service recommended by the Gita, for instance. For many of my trainees, I have found, the real work is not to serve more, but to tend more devotedly to their own being… so that when they do inevitably serve, the giving will be sustainable, not draining, and more helpful. 

Service, when it’s not done for recognition, is often silent and unseen. Nonetheless, as someone who tries her best to walk in service, I can attest that it is not unrewarded. 

Enjoy this little talk from Satchidananda, and stay well.